Numb
by SkyeSoul
Summary: A study on how Castiel felt when he was being controlled by Naomi, and how he felt when Dean was begging, begging him to stop killing him. Reminding him they are family.


Castiel felt numb these days.

He wasn't quite sure why, but he was sure there was something vital he was missing. He followed Naomi's orders and carried out the will of heaven and while he was convinced he was finally making up for his sins, something felt wrong.

Castiel knew better than to think about it; that feeling of 'something' is what caused him to fall in the first place and cause all of the horrors he committed. With Naomi's counsel over these past months, he was able to return to what he was supposed to be in heaven.

It saddened him that it meant distancing himself from the Winchester brothers, but Naomi helped him understand why this had to be so. They were angels, objective and powerful, guiding this world. To gallivant around with humans in such a way was degrading to their very being, shameful to their power - and in hindsight, Castiel could see why that was said. He remembered that was how he felt decades ago, but something changed... That elusive 'something' that Naomi has said gets him in trouble "over and over again."

Whenever Castiel tried to think about that outburst from Naomi, he was met with a strange amnesia. Not as if he forgot what he was thinking about, but that he forgot why he would take the time to -forget why he wanted to in the first place. Besides, he had orders to carry out and a heaven to work for.

Naomi's exercise in killing Dean had initially been unpleasant, but Castiel fully understood why it had to be done. Castiel still harboured good will toward the older Winchester, but this time tempered it with the knowledge that he was on God's path again. He would kill Dean when ("if," a forgotten part of him supplied) if, it came down to it.

Castiel did not like to dwell on his orders anymore, they brought a sense of restlessness to him. As if he forgot something vitally important.. And if he was honest with himself, which he could not be, he would admit that a very part of himself was missing these days.

Sometimes he would catch himself as if he were coming out of a fog, but the next thing he would remember is being in Naomi's office in heaven. She would be placating the fallen angel, and Castiel would not even remember what the worry was. It was a nice state, being secure and unchallenging in your orders. The part of him that would try and make the right choices wasn't getting in the way anymore, and emotions didn't hold him back. He felt like he was finally doing a good job of being an angel, and he used that to settle his heart when it felt restless.

And so, it was a day like any other day when the Winchesters, an angel and a demon went to Lucifer's crypts. Castiel was simply performing his job, and doing his duty to heaven when he encountered the Winchester brothers hunting the same thing he was - he knew it would prove to be a complication.

Upon seeing them for the first time in quite some time, Castiel felt something leap in his heart. He wanted to tell them what was going on, what he was looking for... He knew there was something else, even besides the angel tablet, that he had to tell the brothers.

It was then that he found himself suddenly in Naomi's office, being told to feed them the lie about translation parchment. Castiel knew it was a ridiculous lie, and was surprised when Dean believed it. However, he noted the skeptical look on Sam's face, and when he was about to report it to Naomi - something stopped him. He crushed the feeling until it was no more, but he did not report Sam's suspicion back to Naomi. A part of him kept it back.

When the demon was about to reveal the lie to the brothers, Castiel felt his blade plunge into the woman's chest, as if he were a man possessed. He would have rather exorcized the demon than kill the innocent woman as well, but something took him over - something angry flared up inside him as he felt that the Winchesters _could not know_ what they were looking for. The feeling of being a man possessed faded as quickly as it came, and Castiel brushed it aside in favor of doing his job.

When Meg revealed the truth of the matter to Sam and Dean, something released in the back of Castiel's consciousness. He couldn't quite out a finger on it, but he was glad they knew the truth and were hunting together. This confused Castiel, and he felt his heart fade into the background once again as fog descended on his mind. He had only the mission, and that was the most important thing.

And as the night wore on, Castiel found himself standing over Dean, who was holding the clay that concealed the tablet. Dean, defenseless and unable to protect himself from the mighty angel of The Lord. Castiel was suddenly struck with the realization that he did not want to raise a hand to his friend, but his fist was already pulverizing the bones in Dean's cheek before the thought broke through.

Castiel realized he did not want to be doing this anymore. He wanted to stop, to take the tablet and to heal Dean and go far away from this place, far away from heaven or humans. He felt something crack as all of the emotions from the past months flooded into him, and he did _not_ want to be doing what he was. His heart broke at the sight of his best friend, dying by his own hand. In tandem with this fissure rose the angry, duty-driven purpose that had filled him since he got out of purgatory. It moved his limbs for him and controlled his vessel, and Castiel realized all too quickly who was behind it.

Castiel was thrown between his vessel and Naomi's office in heaven, unable to get a handle on where he was or what was happening. He felt himself moving on Dean, saw him sat on the floor, heard Dean - not begging for his life - but begging Castiel to remember that they were family. Castiel had turned on Dean and declared himself God, and Dean still considered him family. While Castiel was poker-facedly beating this man beyond the point of death, he was still asking for him to remember they were family. Castiel fought the presence in his mind, fought Naomi, did anything to stop the onslaught that Dean was met with. Castiel's heart broke with each bone of Deans. He heard Dean pleading, and knew Dean knew Castiel was not in complete control of himself, heard Dean trying to get through to Castiel, telling him he didn't have to do this. The part of Castiel in control - the part which Castiel realizes is actually Naomi's influence - snarls the opposite and redoubles it's anger. Naomi does not just think Dean should be killed, but thinks Dean deserves some measure of pain before that end for all the shoddy humans have messed up. It is this feeling that drives Castiel's next move.

Castiel heard Naomi shout in anger as Castiel's heart swelled and he reached out with all his willpower to still the hand that was about to send a sword though Dean's heart. Castiel fought the influence in his mind as he stilled his vessel's muscles, and did all he could to hold the sword still and thwart Naomi's intentions. He saw the hope in his friends eyes and made Dean a silent promise that he would escape the angel's influence somehow.

It was then that his eyes landed on the angel tablet. Both Naomi and Castiel agreed that it was something they wanted, and Castiel moved to pick it up, moved away from the still-terrified Dean. Castiel had no spare willpower to comfort his friend, not when a foreign grace was still trying to hijack his vessel. But when Castiel touched the tablet, he found that was not an issue anymore.

The Word of God coursed through Castiel, purging that which wasn't unclean, was not original angel. He felt himself revitalized, and realized that God's commands were purifying his existence. He felt his grace grow, and with a certain amount of shock felt his emotions and heart settle in stronger than he could ever remember. He looked at Dean, and remembered the job the angels were charged with originally - to protect the humans, the inhibitors of the earth. Those of God's children who had free choice, freer than an angel could ever be.

It was with this purpose that Castiel reached out slowly and healed Dean of his injuries. Castiel would protect every human on the planet from Naomi and the factions of heaven, even if it meant he was doing it all on his own. Their Father left them with the earth to protect, and he seemed to be the only one who remembered.

But before Castiel flew away to protect the tablet, the one thing left on his mind was Dean's face when he thought Castiel was reaching out to end his life - and the utter relief when it was just the opposite.


End file.
